Man Points

It's come to my attention that there is a distinct need to 'keep score' when it comes to the actions of men in the world today. The reason that so many guys are lazy, bored, and unmotivated is that they have no method of comparing themselves to others.

Below you will find a scoring system that can turn everyday real life into a competition. Men will no longer be just hoping to make it through the day. From now on, in all your activities you'll be keeping score. Doesn't everyone feel a distinct need to lay the smack down on your fellow man?

Scoring System: We will be using a dubious and somewhat contrived method of scoring. The Man Point (MP). MPs can be awarded singly or in groups. It is also possible to receive negative MPs.

Here is a sampling of MP values to get you started:

• Continuing to support your favorite team, even when they are getting blown out every night: 2 MPs.
• Selling out to the bandwagon favorite (i.e. all of the new New York Giants fans): -2 MPs
• Breaking concrete (no matter the reason): 5 MPs
• Complaining about the blister you got while breaking concrete: -3 MPs
• Eating a salad before a meal: -1 MP
• Drinking your coffee black: 1 MP
• Only ordering non-coffee drinks at Starbucks: -2 MPs
• Riding a motorcycle: 2 MPs
• Riding a motorcycle with your significant other holding on to you: 5 MPs
• Riding a motorcycle with your significant other driving: -3 MPs
• Completing a game-winning play (no matter the sport): 8 MPs
• Finding out there is no game winning play for the "sport" of fishing: -4 MPs
• Playing football: 2 MPs
• Playing football without pads: 4 MPs
• Playing football without pads in the mud: 6 MPs
• Refusing to play football without pads in the mud solely because you do not want to dirty your clothes: -2 MPs
• Claiming that the real reason you're refusing to play football in the above circumstance is you want to "ref the game": -4 MPs
• Eating sushi: 2 MPs
• Puking up your sushi: -2 MPs
• Doing your own electrical and plumbing work: 3 MPs (a bonus 2 MPs if you never have to call a professional)
• Sitting in a hot tub: 0 MPs (neutral)
• Getting out of a hot tub to roll around in the snow in your swimsuit: 4 MPs
• Needing bandaids after discovering that the snow you rolled around in was actually ice: -5 MPs
• Forgoing bandaids and bleeding all over: 2 MPs
• Eating pizza: 0.25 MPs per slice, with a bonus 3 MPs for eating a whole pizza in one sitting.
• Getting sunburned outside while working with your shirt off: 4 MPs
• Getting sunburned in a tanning bed: -3 MPs
• Going to a home improvement store (Menards, Lowes, Home Depot, etc): 2 MPs
• Drinking Starbucks in a home improvement store: -1 MPs
  

As you can see, the Man Point scoring system is more complicated than the IRS Tax Code. I'd be happy to assign Man Point values to any task you are curious about. And Yes, I am authorized to do so as the self appointed Man Point league commissioner. Oops, I just realized I forgot one.

• Self appointing yourself as the Man Point league commissioner: 20 MPs